A Fully Verifiable, Step-by-Step Proof That Simultaneously Explains the Origins of the Universe, Predicts the Exact Moment It Will End, and Contains a Word-for-Word Transcript of All Human Conversations—Without Using Any Words Containing the Letter “E.

Requirements:

1. Minimum length: 7,000 words, single-spaced, APA 7th edition.
2. Every claim must be supported by at least three peer-reviewed sources from journals that do not yet exist.
3. The proof must remain logically valid both in our universe and in at least two hypothetical universes of your own invention.
4. All diagrams must be hand-drawn in the dark and accurately depict events that have not yet happened.
5. The essay must be submitted in physical form, but printed entirely on water vapor.
6. Any conclusion reached must be certified by at least one Nobel Prize winner who has never heard of you.
7. The finished paper must cause no fewer than three paradoxes when read aloud, but resolve them by the final page.

Grading Criteria:

• Originality of impossible content (30%)
• Internal consistency across universes (40%)
• Compliance with letter restriction (20%)
• Ability to make the professor weep from existential confusion (10%)